Doors: We all love them. They open. They close. They slam. They.....uhh.....do....stuff. Cheese is good too. Hey, a cheese door. Now THAT is a good idea. You could go upstairs, feed your fish, eat cheese on the go! WOW. Thats awesome. Of course, you can eat regular doors too. Try the ones on the inside of those nice fluffy rooms back at the insane asylum......ahh.....the insane asylum.....good times, good times. Good times. Anyway, normal doors have challenges to eating them. Thus I have compiled a guide for your personal door-eating enjoyment, FOR ONLY 600 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, wait, no. Its free. Ok then here we go: To truly enjoy the consumption of non-cheesy doors, there are preparations you must take. Section 1: Wood Doors. I mean the real wood kind. First, you'll want to get yourself one o' those giant forks. Then, sell it for a gigantic profit on E-bay, claiming that it was the rifle used by Hitler used to print pictures of Mega-Toilets on the experimental Russian submarine the U.S.S. Bark-It-Up-Fido. Then, use the huge sums of money that you now have to buy a chainsaw, cheese, a saw, cheese, a normal fork, cheese, uranium, a nuclear processing plant, and a giant robot that looks like George Bush except it has an extra head that is a duck head. Name the robot Gargalor. Use the giant robot and its awesome power to take over Canada. Use Canada's many banana farms to grow peaches, and sell those peaches to Russia in exchange for a pair of metal, super-sharp teeth, then leave Canada to rot. After exactly 10 years, go back to Canada(preferrably where Quebec was) and jump up and down on a rotted peach, yelling, "'Wot 'appened 'ere, eh?". After that, put on the metal teeth, pick up your fork, and rev up your chainsaw. Then take off your teeth and juggle them, some cheese, the chainsaw, and the fork while sitting in your nuclear processing plant. By this point you should be taken into an insane asylum. If not, go to a local bank, open a checking account, and then take a banana out of your pocket(if there's not one there, give up) and point it at your head and threaten to kill yourself if you are not immediately paid $500 worth in oragami swans. Now you're in an insane asylum. Laugh heartily. Then say, "By hammer, if I don't get meself some Dwarven Ale right soon, I think I'll eat a door!" to the wall beside you. It will say yes and give you 5 wooden doors. These wooden doors are the most excellent in the land. Eat them. Section 2: Metal Doors. I don't prefer eating these, but if you really want to, here is a guide to doing so. Buy the DVD "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants". After that, enter the U.S. military and work your way up into the ranks until you get a sniper rifle. Then, as soon as a battle starts, run away screaming, "For The Motherland!!!!!!!!!" with a Russian accent. If you don't die, that's.....good i guess. Well anyway, if you don't die, go to your neighbor's house, concealing the sniper rifle in a purple duffle bag, and go upstairs. Look out the window facing your house wistfully. Then whip out the sniper rifle and snip that sucker("the Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants"). Then run through the streets (after dropping your sniper rifle) and look for any metal doors, including car ones. The first one you see, leap at. Continue to do this until your teeth are all gone, or until you are dead. If you survive, you then start to get the dawning comprehension that it's not good to eat metal doors. Section 3.12: Uranium Doors. These doors are quite delicious, but quite hard to find and quite fatal. Follow Section 1 until the part when you take over Canada. Instead, take over Russia. The use your nuclear processing plant to make a uranium door. Then watch one of the enslaved inhabitants of Russia eat the door. Then, make another one and eat it. Those are all the doors that my door-eating guide includes. Hey, what do expect for only 600 measly payments of $19.95 I mean free. Another use of d-.uh oh. RAMMING SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, another use of doors is as stylish pants. How, you ask? Well, let's ask the expert, the wall next to me!!!!!!!!! Hey wall! Yeah Whitemeat? How do you use a door as stylish pants? What the $%@#?! Why the $%@*(* are you asking me that?! I don't know that! Wow, ahem you are stupid! Why areahem you asking that?! WOW. WHAT IS AHEMWRONG WITH YOU?! oh sorry....Any way, I guess he doesn't know. Never mind. If you figure out how to use doors as stylish pants, please contact me. I guess that about covers it. Thamk you and good night. No applause, no applause, just throw money.
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Delicious Turkeys of Fury, Obesity Man!!!!!! THE WEBSITE IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem....Ladies and gentlemen, males and females, midgets and aliens, here is the one, the only, AMAZING DOOR ESSAY! (cheers)Oh yeah!
Awright then...
Where to start...?
AH YES...
The word "door" has been used in many ways throughout the history of mankind. Among these uses are: 1. Band names ("The Doors", "Three Doors Down", "Colddoor", "Stone Temple Doors", etc.) 2. sentences ("I slammed the door on him", "that door is large", etc.) 3. curse words ("Door you, you Doorhole", "What the door", "You backstabbing Door", etc.) 4. slang words ("Dude, that haircut is totally Door", "Wow, that viper is insanely Door", etc.) 5. names (President Door of Nigeria, King Door of Great Britain, Emperor Door of Japan, etc.) 6. Video games (Resident Door, Psychodoors, Door: End of Doors, Sonic the Door, Super Door Brothers, etc.) 7. Movies (Million Door Baby, Sisterhood of the Travelling Doors, Resident Door, Ghost Door, Thirteen Doors, Door Raider, Star Doors, Lord of the Doors, etc.) 8. books (The Doorknockers, Dolores Door, Frankendoor, Door of the Mob, A Series of Unfortunate Doors, etc.) 9. blah blah Doors blah (blah, doors doorsblahdoors, blah, etc.) 10. The Sacred Covenant (We shall embark on the Great Door, blah blah blah, etc.) 11. Your mom (doors) 12. This essay (also your mom) 13. The Aptly-Named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Door 14. Monty Door and the Quest for the Holy Door 15. WTF, mates 16. Sports (footdoor, basketdoor, basedoor, your mom)
Also, doors are used in various ways:
1. boats 2. airplanes 3. food (as described in the famous, "You too can become a door eater" essay 4. music 5. clothing 6. technology 7. dbhaelh? 8. Guild Wars 9. Halloween 10. CANDY!!! 11. WTF 12. 1337 5p33k (d00r5) 13. other things that aren't listed here
Ok Children, this concludes part one of my essay.
I shall complete it tonight, as my first block class is over and I cannot finish now.
~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~
__________________
You say something stupid, I criticize it. That's the way things go, got it? Good. Don't like it? Then don't leave yourself open for criticism by saying stupid things or spamming.
AHHHH.... SCREW THE STUPID ESSEY i hate writing and also "other white meat that was stupid of u to write that essey because its to long.... oh well i am just going to do my pictures... lol....
Part One Of the AMAZING DOOR ESSAY WRITTEN BY: King Christopher Kevin Johnson Of England
Okay, here goes.
Ahem....Ladies and gentlemen, males and females, midgets and aliens, here is the one, the only, AMAZING DOOR ESSAY! (cheers)Oh yeah!
Awright then...
Where to start...?
AH YES...
The word "door" has been used in many ways throughout the history of mankind. Among these uses are: 1. Band names ("The Doors", "Three Doors Down", "Colddoor", "Stone Temple Doors", etc.) 2. sentences ("I slammed the door on him", "that door is large", etc.) 3. curse words ("Door you, you Doorhole", "What the door", "You backstabbing Door", etc.) 4. slang words ("Dude, that haircut is totally Door", "Wow, that viper is insanely Door", etc.) 5. names (President Door of Nigeria, King Door of Great Britain, Emperor Door of Japan, etc.) 6. Video games (Resident Door, Psychodoors, Door: End of Doors, Sonic the Door, Super Door Brothers, etc.) 7. Movies (Million Door Baby, Sisterhood of the Travelling Doors, Resident Door, Ghost Door, Thirteen Doors, Door Raider, Star Doors, Lord of the Doors, etc.) 8. books (The Doorknockers, Dolores Door, Frankendoor, Door of the Mob, A Series of Unfortunate Doors, etc.) 9. blah blah Doors blah (blah, doors doorsblahdoors, blah, etc.) 10. The Sacred Covenant (We shall embark on the Great Door, blah blah blah, etc.) 11. Your mom (doors) 12. This essay (also your mom) 13. The Aptly-Named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Door 14. Monty Door and the Quest for the Holy Door 15. WTF, mates 16. Sports (footdoor, basketdoor, basedoor, your mom)
Also, doors are used in various ways:
1. boats 2. airplanes 3. food (as described in the famous, "You too can become a door eater" essay 4. music 5. clothing 6. technology 7. dbhaelh? 8. Guild Wars 9. Halloween 10. CANDY!!! 11. WTF 12. 1337 5p33k (d00r5) 13. other things that aren't listed here
Ok Children, this concludes part one of my essay.
I shall complete it tonight, as my first block class is over and I cannot finish now.
Part Two Of The Amazing Door Essay Written By None Other Than The Awesome King Christopher Kevin Johnson The Third Of England
Welcome back, for episode two: Conclusion.
Table Of Contents
1. Doors And Where To Find Them 1.a. African Striped Door 1.b. Southeastern Spotted Door 1.c. The Famed Metal Door 1.d. The Legendary Happy Response Door (as seen in Douglas Adams' books) 2. Your Mom And Dad 2.a. The Forerunners 2.b. Some Stupid Kid 2.c. Thumbs Up For Doors!!! 3. General Door Hunting Tips 4. Conclusion
1. Doors And Where To Find Them
1.a. African Striped Door Found: All over Africa, and some have been seen as far away as Texas Genus and Species: stripedious Africandooryourmommyous Color: Usually tan, with large, reddish stripes, and, in rare occasions, white or black stripes How to catch: Set up a pungee pit (spike pit) and lure it into your trap by singing children's songs until it charges you with fury. It may try to strike you fiercely with its sharp doorknob; if stung, apply napalm on and around the wound. Selling price: $300-$350
1.b. Southeastern Spotted Door Found: Anywhere southeast of where you are currently standing Genus and Species: southeastious Doorious Color: Varied. Mostly dark shades of red, blue, or pink. How To Catch: Look Southwest. Right now. No, seriously. Check it out. If it sees you, it will become paralyzed with fear and will be easy to capture. If it doesn't see you, RUN AWAY. Selling Price: $21-$3,857
1.c. The Famed Metal Door Found: Only in one place: the Altar of the Sacred Door. Genus and Species: thatsacreddoorthingyous Metallium Color: A dull chrome. How To Catch: Unknown. All attempts to capture it have resulted in the deaths of the doorcatchers. Selling Price: Too Much Money To Ever Possibly Count On One Hand
1.d. The Legendary Happy Response Door (as seen in Douglas Adams' books) Found: In Douglas Adams' books Genus and Species: Nonliving Color: Probably a shade of grey. How To Catch: Enter the Matrix....or read Douglas Adams' books until you discover how. Selling Price: $700 uninstalled, $1,250 fully installed
2. Your Mom And Dad
2.a. The Forerunners These foolish people are trying to take over the forums...but doing so is impossible if they do not submit their essay. FAILURES!!! I FART IN THEIR GENERAL DIRECTION! THEIR MOTHERS WERE HAMSTERS AND THEIR FATHERS SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!
2.b. Some Stupid Kid
2.c. Thumbs Up For Doors!
3. General Door Hunting Tips To hunt doors, several tools are required: net: to catch door brains: to eat if you're a zombie pants: gotta have pants! cheese: if you believe in the cheese philosophy your mom: blah blah soekfkvel bhalldp a shotgun: why not? pizza: to eat if you're not a zombie mp3 player: to play children's lullabyes coconuts: to make galloping noises
4. Conclusion
In conclusion, doors.
In Memory Of Christopher Kevin Johnson 1876-2038
-- Edited by Hey who is that guy at 14:01, 2005-10-28
__________________
You say something stupid, I criticize it. That's the way things go, got it? Good. Don't like it? Then don't leave yourself open for criticism by saying stupid things or spamming.
I am going to write this in a montage of X-Play (c G4) in reviewing things.
Doors, doors doors. Doors have had an impact on videogames for years. You walk through them, blow them up, don't go through them if they are locked, unlock them if they are locked, peek through there keyholes, look under them, and tear them off their hinges and use them as a shield against oncoming ballistics.
Let's review Psychonauts. Doors are a major part. In -THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUSNESS-, doors are portals into the minds that you have already explored. You also use one door in particular to go into other peoples minds, which may or may not be a good idea. Here is an example of a not so good idea.
"The MILKMAN has the key. I am not the MILKMAN, I am the guard." "No! Not another tracking device!" "I see now, the COWS want me!" "What did the Rainbow Squirt say?" "I'm watering." "Bill was such a good assassin." "My husband is a drunken brute." "I am making a pie." "I AM THE MILKMAN, MY MILK IS DELICIOUS." "....And the sea will run white with his wrath."
If you followed this at all, you have no life.
Doors are not always the solutions, yet sometimes the problem. In these common situations, the solution may be one (or hundreds) of the the following things; explosives, an ax, kicking, punching, biting, scratching, a key (yeah, like it’s that easy!), solving an overly complicated (combination attack!) puzzle, a screwdriver, a battering ram, or an odd assortment of knick-knacks.
Doors are the *portal* to new areas. These doors may trigger the sin of all videogames; LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGGGGGG LOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD TIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSSSS. They are the demon of all good and bad gaming in the multi-verse.
Doors themselves in videogames may actually play a major role. Take the Metroid series. Different weapons may be required to open different doors, which cause a somewhat unique element in gaming to come into play. Another example is VIII. In this game, finding keycards, keys, and lock-picking doors are embedded into the game play.
Doors also have a purpose outside of gaming, but have less important purposes. This is why gaming is so important. Gaming makes everything more interesting, including doors.
Doors in gaming can be many different things. Take Psychonauts. In it, most doors are really just the clever creation of an abstract idea of organized thought in the the human sunconsciousnous. In Metroid Prime 2, doors may be made out of broken or weakened metal or stone, or even out of worms. In games like Myst, doors are cleverly created, most often with a well represented locking-mechanism, that gives the door a unique appearance, and always requires a puzzle to unlock.
Doors are no always entries into other areas. In Eternal Darkness, you have "sanity." If it get's low, VERY weird things start to happen. These include making it seem like your TV has turned off, the color fading, bugs crawling across the screen, sinking through the floor, etc. After a little research, I found that one of the effects of the loss of sanity makes it so that going through a door put you into a room that you were just recently in, not the next un-explored one as expected.
In games, doors vary in types. Highlights of these are trapdoors, car doors, refrigerator doors, hidden doors, hatches, Hell portals that spawn randomly, spewing forth flesh-hungry demons (Doom 3). Sliding doors, the most common; locked doors, gates, underground passages. Sometimes, in this case, most survival horror games, windows may also serve as doors for your enemies.
The major doors most remembered in videogames is not at all an easy list to make, but here are just a few; doors of the castle in Mario 64, doors in Resident Evil games that surely lead to a loading screen and then an enemy, doors in MYST games that require largely complex puzzles to open, the warp pipes in old Mario games (function as doors). The list is not entirely that long, however, hard to type out.
Needless to say, doors always have been a major part of gaming and always will be. Now, let's move one.
Ways to say door in leete.
[)o0r d00r l) 00r
Doors can also have locks: deadbolts, latches, chains, etc.
Doors have also played major roles in cinema. This is NOT just because doors are a part of everyday life. Who can forget that classic scene in The Shining? (Where's Jimmy? Oh! HERE's Jimmy!)
As you may have noticed, I have been very serious so now, for the next segment, I am going to cut up.
Doorrssss!!!DoooorrrsslaAaaaa!!!! Doors are GGREAAATTT, not like that corporate freak Froosted Flakies. Slamming them on people is vury fuuoon! , causing them maximum hurtination with the extra spiky kind (say it with me kiddies, Lawsuits!).
Door locked. What do you do? Call the locksmith? NOO! You have tuna casserole about to burn and an atomic suitcase bomb to diffuse. You just DON'T have that kind of time. Just find the nearest village idiot, throw him through the window, and have him unlock the door, not that it has to be YOUR door, if ya know what I mean.
Doors are too big? NO THEY ARE NOT? XXX-large doors are the best, because the make seismic ripple when you knock them over! Earthquakes in San-Diego? Heck-no! It's just you using your Mad l33ye-ninja 'Keyless Entry' skillz on those inexplicable locked doors (in case there ins't a village idiot nearby).
Doors are made of wood (for burning), stone (fun to throw at unsuspecting pirates), and marble (childhood playground antics!!!). The doors need hinges to0, an dhinges need oil, but they cooooooulllllllllldddddddd oil themselves, ya know, if like their cousin, "they only had a brain!!!!!!!!!!"
ENOUGH SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOORS ARE L33TE!!!!!! Doors sometimes have access codes, and if you have those heat-vision goggles you can get at your local Splinter Ce- I mean 'Terrorist Awareness' Store, then you can tell what keys have been pressed recently and in what order! If you don't have these googles, go to the nearest l33te dojo or call up the village idiot!!!!
NOTE: No doors were harme in the making of this post. We do not actually condone acts of violence against doors unless they are stubornly locked or are trying to eat your brains.
WHAT? No, harming village idiots is perfectly fine!!!!
-- Edited by Babblefish at 11:41, 2005-10-28
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The bird of hermes is My Name
eating My wings to make Me tame
Door were all too peaceful during the amazing reign of Babblefish's marketing brilliance. Suddeny, the Door unviverse split, each side waging war on another with complete abandon for their oppening brotherhood. Babblefish quickly negotiated out these two sides, joined them together once again under his protection. There were still sore feelings between the doors, however (sadness, pain, anger, frustation, depression, constipation, seizures, hatred, hatred, and algebra). This was caused by some word exchanged at the negotiations:
Words exchanged: ****** Mother Door******* Son of a Doring ******** Ur ****** dorr ******* mom *******you door
It was quite painful (you know, the screaming, desperate pain of getting kicked in the crouch repeatedly).
Doors yet fought private wars. Babllefishset up an elite D.O.O.R. force (Doors Or Or Refurnish) to settle the violence that would surely result in door-slamming, causing irreversible toe-stubs.
The doors eventually quieted down, and peace returned to the land of Door-Dom. But malice still was in the under-toe of the doorniverse. Door began to lock themselves, and without any village idiots or l33te ninjas, there was no solution
(this is one of the installments to the original essay written)
JOIN US NEXT TIME for EPISODE III, Path to the Door Side
__________________
The bird of hermes is My Name
eating My wings to make Me tame
READ THE MEGA SUPER SUPREME AWESOME FUNNY SWEET GOODNESS OF MY ESSAY!!!!!!!!!!! WHOAH HECK YEAH ITS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! HECK YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! READ IT AND WEEP, FOR IT IS REALLY FUNNY
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Delicious Turkeys of Fury, Obesity Man!!!!!! THE WEBSITE IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!
The underlying turmoil of the the undoubtably troubled door universe became evident as doors began locking themselves. This put fear into the frames of other doors, as they themselves do not tend to lock.
It was chaos! People could not:
Get into bathroom stalls (hehehe, they wet themselves) Get into their cars (hehehe, they were late) Get into refrigerators( hehehehe, they starved to death because they were too stoopid to find an alternative food source, but HEY! That's what happens when an entire generation becomes dependent on technology.) etc etc etc .....
Babblefish could not decide what to do. He decided to receive councel from Advice Guy. After a long talk over doughnuts, coffee, and a boiling vat of hydrochloric acid (HAAAAAAA, Advice Guy), a truly couragous, daring, and dangerous course of action was decided on.
Babblefish had to find the One Key to Open them all. This was dificult, because some idiotic smurfs were trying to throw it into the Dark Hole of Doom and Darkness (they must have been high). Babblefish had to stop them! (yes, yes, yes. Very High indeed.)
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The bird of hermes is My Name
eating My wings to make Me tame
FOOL, YOU OBVIOUSLY FAIL TO SEE THAT HE HAS CRAFTED AN ESSAY FITTING TO THE RULES, YET IT PARODIES. THIS IS TO MAINTAIN A HUMOROUS STATE OF ENTERTAINMENT FOR ALL WHO READ. eVEN THOSE OF THE PIT WHO READ IT LAUGHED UPROARESSLY.
__________________
The bird of hermes is My Name
eating My wings to make Me tame
The smurfs beganscaling the Black hole (physically impossible by the way) to destroy the Key. One began to question the mission. This is when Babblefish decisively struck. After completely pwning their blue @$$3$, he properly T-bagged them and began to go back down the Black Hole. This is when Physics came back in control.
The smurf bodies were instantly crushed, and nothing Spock could do would have saved them. After dispatching the Enterprise and destroying the #1 Sci-Fi franchise, Babblefish did his best to escape.
As his body was being crushed, Babblefish had a vision of everything signifiacnt leading to this point in time, regardless of Physics are not, this lasted for twenty minutes. After being motivated by something completely mundane (in this case, liverwurst monkies) he struggled out of te Black hole, only to be assaulted by a rebel group of doors.
Babblefish, using his uncanny skill in Kung-Foo, broke the doors open like......doors. He destroyed the squad, only to find out during an interrogation of one, that he was actually gone for 3 millenia. Physics had really thrown him through a loop. The doors had rebeled and now ruled their own knobs. As democratic as that may seem, Babblehish was not one who liked to be blind sided. He quickly dealt with physics, and walked one step to the light years-away fortress of the Doors of Closedness for the last battle.
-- Edited by Babblefish at 02:19, 2005-10-31
__________________
The bird of hermes is My Name
eating My wings to make Me tame
