Doors: We all love them. They open. They close. They slam. They.....uhh.....do....stuff. Cheese is good too. Hey, a cheese door. Now THAT is a good idea. You could go upstairs, feed your fish, eat cheese on the go! WOW. Thats awesome. Of course, you can eat regular doors too. Try the ones on the inside of those nice fluffy rooms back at the insane asylum......ahh.....the insane asylum.....good times, good times. Good times. Anyway, normal doors have challenges to eating them. Thus I have compiled a guide for your personal door-eating enjoyment, FOR ONLY 600 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, wait, no. Its free. Ok then here we go: To truly enjoy the consumption of non-cheesy doors, there are preparations you must take. Section 1: Wood Doors. I mean the real wood kind. First, you'll want to get yourself one o' those giant forks. Then, sell it for a gigantic profit on E-bay, claiming that it was the rifle used by Hitler used to print pictures of Mega-Toilets on the experimental Russian submarine the U.S.S. Bark-It-Up-Fido. Then, use the huge sums of money that you now have to buy a chainsaw, cheese, a saw, cheese, a normal fork, cheese, uranium, a nuclear processing plant, and a giant robot that looks like George Bush except it has an extra head that is a duck head. Name the robot Gargalor. Use the giant robot and its awesome power to take over Canada. Use Canada's many banana farms to grow peaches, and sell those peaches to Russia in exchange for a pair of metal, super-sharp teeth, then leave Canada to rot. After exactly 10 years, go back to Canada(preferrably where Quebec was) and jump up and down on a rotted peach, yelling, "'Wot 'appened 'ere, eh?". After that, put on the metal teeth, pick up your fork, and rev up your chainsaw. Then take off your teeth and juggle them, some cheese, the chainsaw, and the fork while sitting in your nuclear processing plant. By this point you should be taken into an insane asylum. If not, go to a local bank, open a checking account, and then take a banana out of your pocket(if there's not one there, give up) and point it at your head and threaten to kill yourself if you are not immediately paid $500 worth in oragami swans. Now you're in an insane asylum. Laugh heartily. Then say, "By hammer, if I don't get meself some Dwarven Ale right soon, I think I'll eat a door!" to the wall beside you. It will say yes and give you 5 wooden doors. These wooden doors are the most excellent in the land. Eat them. Section 2: Metal Doors. I don't prefer eating these, but if you really want to, here is a guide to doing so. Buy the DVD "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants". After that, enter the U.S. military and work your way up into the ranks until you get a sniper rifle. Then, as soon as a battle starts, run away screaming, "For The Motherland!!!!!!!!!" with a Russian accent. If you don't die, that's.....good i guess. Well anyway, if you don't die, go to your neighbor's house, concealing the sniper rifle in a purple duffle bag, and go upstairs. Look out the window facing your house wistfully. Then whip out the sniper rifle and snip that sucker("the Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants"). Then run through the streets (after dropping your sniper rifle) and look for any metal doors, including car ones. The first one you see, leap at. Continue to do this until your teeth are all gone, or until you are dead. If you survive, you then start to get the dawning comprehension that it's not good to eat metal doors. Section 3.12: Uranium Doors. These doors are quite delicious, but quite hard to find and quite fatal. Follow Section 1 until the part when you take over Canada. Instead, take over Russia. The use your nuclear processing plant to make a uranium door. Then watch one of the enslaved inhabitants of Russia eat the door. Then, make another one and eat it. Those are all the doors that my door-eating guide includes. Hey, what do expect for only 600 measly payments of $19.95 I mean free. Another use of d-.uh oh. RAMMING SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, another use of doors is as stylish pants. How, you ask? Well, let's ask the expert, the wall next to me!!!!!!!!! Hey wall! Yeah Whitemeat? How do you use a door as stylish pants? What the $%@#?! Why the $%@*(* are you asking me that?! I don't know that! Wow, ahem you are stupid! Why areahem you asking that?! WOW. WHAT IS AHEMWRONG WITH YOU?! oh sorry....Any way, I guess he doesn't know. Never mind. If you figure out how to use doors as stylish pants, please contact me. I guess that about covers it. Thamk you and good night. No applause, no applause, just throw money.